Volumes

i feel like a virus, a parasite sometimes

alrighty, back in hartford for another semester, and after doing pretty well on the last one, i'm not sure what if anything to do differently this time. i feel like i'm on hold and the other person probably hung up, but i like it like this, for now at least. i just moved into my new room, and luckily my new roommate hates the gays so it's like having a single. i've been sitting in my room with the blinds drawn, lights off, just thinking for about 3 hours, and i have no intention of doing other wise. i feel so at peace here, and in control. i'm loving the platue i think, :)

not everything is perfect though. but i always seem to come out alright so i'm not worried about anything right now. i'm just content, and proud of myself for accomplishing what i have, and i feel ready for the new challenges. yay!

ask anyone and they will tell you that i hate cats, i have all ways hated cats, i can't stand them. i think it is time for me to come clean about something. i have been living a lie. i kind of maybe sorta sometimes think cats are cool. ok, let's stop the bullshit. i love cats! there, i said it. all theses years i've been lieing to myself because i'm allergic to them so i can't be around them and so i pretended i hated them and i'm sorry!!!! i feel better now

i'm falling into bad habits, stuck in a rut, restless but unable to take control of the situation. i love how this statement can be applied to almost everything in my life right now. it's like this one feeling umbrellas my entire existence. ouch.

i love my life right now. i love my friends, my family, my school. i feel like the only thing standing between me and total contentment is myself. i'm not happy with myself at the moment. i'm out of shape, lazy, irresponsible, sketchy, and i'm not taking care of my body at all! i have to make a promise to myself to rehabilitate during break. i want to start off the new year right.

been fucked up for days now, and it's been amazing. i feel like i'm a little kid again. everything is so simple, and there are no responsibilities and no rules, just do whatever you want. i skipped my classes yesterday and did a puzzle for about 13 hours on and off. then i stayed up drinking coffee and watching movies with wes until 430. but i need to grow up for a few days at least and make sure i get all my shit done. i don't think that i've deserved this relaxation, but i'm addicted to it. so torn- happy fluffy carefree fun with consequences that i know are there but don't want to see...or finishing the semester strongw for the next 3 days and acting my age. i hope i can just find a good balance because either one alone will destroy me. arg.

brian wilson is retarded and i love wes!

please let him come back to me

everything's coming up roses. i just had the best voice lesson, i really think that i can do this. my confidence since i've come here has increased so much, i feels so good to feel good about myself. and i feel like i have a handle on my life, i'm ready, i'm set, let's go!!! had a really good conversation with him, just what i needed to hear. i can do this, i can do it all. i will. i just have to stop skipping classes. and not take all this for granted. everything can change in an instant. but i feel like i'm ready for anything, i'm finally strong enough to take any challenges head on. i found my zen, and i hope it's not fleating.

i have to be careful, very careful. step slowly and lightly, look forward backward and all around, keep my fists up, listen to every sound, never sleep, constantly on my toes, waiting for the next move. i hate living like this, this is not living. this is insanity. but i must for now. i hate it. i hate myself for being so sensitive.